my dear friend sarah introduced me to mock apple pie long ago, and today, when I realized that I had 3 ready-pie shells, no fresh ingredients and lots of time, I decided to make one.

the recipe was written by the ritz crackers people during WW2, when apples were in short supply, and incredibly expensive. basically, the specific combination of sugar (sucrose! oooo science), water and cream-of-tartar (potassium bitartrate, KC₄H₅O₆!! a weak salt-like acid byproduct of grapes during the wine-making process) when boiled with crackers and cinnamon, and put in a pie shell, tastes deceptively like apple pie.

but really though, the most delightful thing about it, besides that it tastes great and is absurdly cheap/easy to make, is the moment when you tell your friends (after they have said how much they are enjoying your freshly made apple pie), that it has no apples in it. priceless.

Mock Apple Pie

ingredients:

• pie crust
• 2 cups water
• 1 1/2 cups sugar
• 1 1/2 tsp cream of tartar
• 25 unsalted soft/buttery crackers
• Cinnamon
• 1 tbsp butter
• 1 tsp lemon juice (optional - I didn’t use any)

1. Pre-heat oven to 400° F.
2. Boil the water in a big pot.
3. While the water is heating, mix the sugar and the cream of tartar together.*

4. if you are still waiting for the water to boil, check to make sure the stovetop is actually on, if its not, the pilot light may have gone out and your kitchen might be full of gas. not that this happened to me just now. certainly I would notice something like that immediately.
5. Add the mixture to the water after it is boiling, a little at a time, stirring constantly.

6. Add one cracker at a time into the pot.
7. Boil for about 3 minutes, but do not stir, instead of stirring, consider doing the hand jive or that “here is the church, here is the steeple blablabla people” thing to otherwise occupy your stir-happy hands.

8. Carefully pour the mixture into the pie crust.
9. Sprinkle a little cinnamon on top of the pie filling.

10. Dab butter evenly over the filling.
11. Bake in a pre-heated oven for about 15 minutes.
12. Let it cool before you eat it, unless you enjoy burning the roof of your mouth.**

13. Slice it, put it on a plate, consider ice cream carefully…. mmm. ice cream…

14. Serve the pie to at least one person who has no clue that it has no apples, just to see their reaction when you tell ‘em. Here is my dearlingest friend brendan’s “what do you mean it doesn’t have any apples in it” face:

the end.

*yes, I am aware that this particular stage (and many of the others) in the process do not actually need a photo. shutyourtrap.

**if the top of your mouth is the ‘roof’, does that make the bottom “the floor” of your mouth or “the foundation”? is your tounge the carpet/area-rug? nevermind. ignore me.