I’m sorry, this is just too exciting not to share.

Dwarf crime a ‘growing problem’

Thieves are robbing long-distance coaches by sneaking dwarves into the luggage holds in sports bags.

Once inside, they slip out from their hiding places to rifle through the belongings of unsuspecting travellers.

Then they take their loot back to their hiding place and wait to be collected by another gang member when the coach reaches its destination, reports The Sun.

They have stolen thousands of pounds in cash, gems and other valuables in recent months.

Swebus, which ferries thousands of Brits across Sweden, has been among coach firms targeted.

A spokesman said: “We have had reports about several thefts by dwarves on the stretch between Vasteras and Stockholm.

“We’re thinking of installing video cameras.”

A Stockholm Police spokesman said: “We are looking at our records to identify criminals of limited stature.”

If you ask me, which you totally didn’t, your legal-employment options, as a little person, are none too varied (backing up kid rock or starring in dunkin donuts commercials etc) and it’s certainly not their fault that their DNA picked the short straw, so to speak… I say, more power to ‘em.

I just, well, no. NO.

Kitty Wigs, from kittywigs.com:

If this is somehow an acceptable pet accessory, may I request from the pet-crap-producers of the world some dog monocles? I just think my puppy would look pretty darn swanky if she had a monocle.

please allow me to share with you an actual headline, from an actual super-real-totally-and-entirely-nonmadeup news source:

CITY BATTLES GIANT BLOB*

LEWISTON, Maine — A large, mysterious blob has taken over a major sewer line in the city of Lewiston, leaving public works crews stumped as to how to budge it.

According to city officials, the stretch of 12-inch pipe on Main Street backed up on Jan. 13, and the city has been trying unsuccessfully to clear the line ever since.

Deputy Public Services Director Kevin Gagne told News 8 the doughy, 90-foot mass is comprised of grease, flour and rags.

Gagne said the city has chosen to replace the 170-foot line at a cost of between $40,000 and $60,000. Work is expected to begin this week.

shhhhh.. hush now, dearlings, shhhhhhh, there there, I’m frightened too.

*It is possible that I look a few liberties with the original photo.

The news and the interwebs have been all a-flutter with NASA’s release yesterday of the photo below, very clearly showing a humanoid “sasquatchy” thing mid-leisurely-stroll in the desertous wastelands of Mars.

As a no-less-than-thoroughly-enthusiastic fan of both generalized cryptozoology and the elusive sasquatch, as well as a proud collector of sasquatch cinema, my first thoughts were: “OH SWEET MARY H. CHRIST, my prayers have been answered! Bust out the bubbly, there is proof of bigfoot’s existence! and OMG! ALIENS! yay!! no. SUPER yay.”

That is… until I took a closer look at the larger picture - I noticed a familiar face in another mass near the “sasquatch”:

If you look at the photo above it appears obvious that the popular focus on the “sasquatch” is merely a ruse to conceal the fact that, after significant budget cuts in a weakened economy, NASA decided to sell Mars to George Lucas, who subsequently colonized the planet with popular Star Wars creatures.

BUT! as seamless an explanation as that may be, you mustn’t be so easily convinced, my dearlings… NASA also released the following somewhat-zoomed-in photo…

With amateur CSI-viewer talents, super-sleuth-skills and Science ™ in tow, I felt it necessary to zoom in closer, only to discover that, no, it is neither Chewbacca, nor a sasquatch.

It is Teen Wolf.

Yes, David Bowie, there is Life on Mars.

Underneath all that hair, you’re still a dork, Scott.

my dear friend sarah introduced me to mock apple pie long ago, and today, when I realized that I had 3 ready-pie shells, no fresh ingredients and lots of time, I decided to make one.

the recipe was written by the ritz crackers people during WW2, when apples were in short supply, and incredibly expensive. basically, the specific combination of sugar (sucrose! oooo science), water and cream-of-tartar (potassium bitartrate, KC₄H₅O₆!! a weak salt-like acid byproduct of grapes during the wine-making process) when boiled with crackers and cinnamon, and put in a pie shell, tastes deceptively like apple pie.

but really though, the most delightful thing about it, besides that it tastes great and is absurdly cheap/easy to make, is the moment when you tell your friends (after they have said how much they are enjoying your freshly made apple pie), that it has no apples in it. priceless.

Mock Apple Pie

ingredients:

• pie crust
• 2 cups water
• 1 1/2 cups sugar
• 1 1/2 tsp cream of tartar
• 25 unsalted soft/buttery crackers
• Cinnamon
• 1 tbsp butter
• 1 tsp lemon juice (optional - I didn’t use any)

1. Pre-heat oven to 400° F.
2. Boil the water in a big pot.
3. While the water is heating, mix the sugar and the cream of tartar together.*

4. if you are still waiting for the water to boil, check to make sure the stovetop is actually on, if its not, the pilot light may have gone out and your kitchen might be full of gas. not that this happened to me just now. certainly I would notice something like that immediately.
5. Add the mixture to the water after it is boiling, a little at a time, stirring constantly.

6. Add one cracker at a time into the pot.
7. Boil for about 3 minutes, but do not stir, instead of stirring, consider doing the hand jive or that “here is the church, here is the steeple blablabla people” thing to otherwise occupy your stir-happy hands.

8. Carefully pour the mixture into the pie crust.
9. Sprinkle a little cinnamon on top of the pie filling.

10. Dab butter evenly over the filling.
11. Bake in a pre-heated oven for about 15 minutes.
12. Let it cool before you eat it, unless you enjoy burning the roof of your mouth.**

13. Slice it, put it on a plate, consider ice cream carefully…. mmm. ice cream…

14. Serve the pie to at least one person who has no clue that it has no apples, just to see their reaction when you tell ‘em. Here is my dearlingest friend brendan’s “what do you mean it doesn’t have any apples in it” face:

the end.

*yes, I am aware that this particular stage (and many of the others) in the process do not actually need a photo. shutyourtrap.

**if the top of your mouth is the ‘roof’, does that make the bottom “the floor” of your mouth or “the foundation”? is your tounge the carpet/area-rug? nevermind. ignore me.

This flickr group project, “the decapitator“, seamlessly marries my appreciation of fictionalized, well-designed gore, and creative, somewhat-artistic, guerrilla projects with my lack-of-appreciation for ad-pollution*….

pure, icky hilarity!